13 December 2007

an open letter to Jason Lee

Dear Jason,

The Chipmunks? Really?


Look Jason, I've been right there with you for a while. Loved Brodie Bruce...to a disturbing degree, come to think of it, considering he was actually kind of a dick. Ditto Banky, a veritable Prince Charming compared to that tool Affleck's Holden. Loved Skip Skipperton in the little known Mumford (love that Loren Dean as well)...kind of creepy but adorable. Also Puggy in Big Trouble (very odd character, and the hair was disturbing, but he had a good heart). You were the charming guy we were rooting for to get the girl in Kissing a Fool and Heartbreakers (allowing me to ignore the presence of David Schwimmer and Jennifer Love Hewitt respectively). Then you score a big break out role in Almost Famous and ultimately end up as the endlessly charming Earl Hickey. Fine work there, skater boy.

These things engendered a warm feeling and built you a solid base with me, even allowing me to overlook the following: You are a Scientologist.

But now I see you are involved in (nay, starring in) Alvin and the Chipmunks, yet another holiday nightmare that is being inflicted upon us. So much about this whole endeavor is just plain wrongheaded. To wit:
  • The Chipmunks were annoying in the 60's (I cannot change the station fast enough when I hear that Chipmunk Christmas song) and remain so to this day. Why bring that back? What is enjoyable about those super annoying high singing voices? I don't get it.
  • Do we really need another entry into the "frustrated parent figure dealing with mischievous rapscallion-like children" film genre. I know I'm supposed to find the little scamps charming, but I usually just want to smack them.
  • I take the same stand I have taken with Scooby-doo, the Grinch, Garfield, and countless others: Cartoons do not need to be remade into live action movies.
Leaving aside all that, Jason, I had just hoped you were better than this. You are the star of a network TV show now, do you really need to do the Chipmunks? And while it is nice to see you all clean-shaven and minus that ubiquitous Burt Reynolds-esque Earl mustache, that's not enough to get me to see this flick.

A paycheck is a paycheck I guess, and you do have an oddly named child to feed. I just hope little Pilot Inspektor
appreciates it...


KMS said...

I'm afraid being affiliated with the Chipmunks might negate all the joy he brought to my heart as Satan in Dogma. Alas.

Also, on the Scientology front, I didn't know he was one (double alsa) but also just read that Beck is one too (read it in Vanity Fair, an authoritative source in my personal life). That's a hard one to swallow.

Zil said...

Yeah, Beck is married to Marissa Ribisi. That website that lists Scientologists says that she and her twin brother Giovanni Ribisi were raised Scientologists, so I wonder if she converted Beck or if he became one on his own.

Zil said...

Also, what's up with this?

KMS said...

This "museum" is one of those sites I'd cross the road so I didn't have to walk in front of it. This type of site list isn't long and doesn't include much except cult-related storefronts.

Barn Owl said...

I've never heard of any of the movies you mentioned in here. Are they real?
Also, losing the mustache is another MINUS, not a small PLUS. One of the best in the biz.
But yes, sigh. My skate buddy Jason is col' makin' money with this. The chips and beer is on him when I stop by his house.